Week 30: Swing States

I’m not talking politics ( please god, no more! One more day to go!), I’m talking me swinging from one emotional state to another. The one state is wild optimism, the other is discouragement.

I’ve been trying to do the math. This is my report for week 30…that’s 7.5 months. What in all that time have I achieved/discovered/changed about the way I spend money?

Before I answer that question (or attempt to) let me just say that the feeling of defeat or, rather, discouragement is coming from the fact that I encountered a few other blogs and posts on facebook by other people doing a similar challenge as myself. One did no shopping for anything new at all for 200 days. The other did an entire year of no shopping. The second gal  really went all in, I mean, all in, no coffee, no car, not even accepting gifts from family.

Now, I know I shouldn’t compare. For one, these folks were doing it without kids; that makes a huge difference. I can’t see myself giving up driving or turning away gifts of clothes for the girls etc. It’s not a challenge to see if we can survive, it’s a challenge to see what it is that motivates me to want to buy unnecessary things. So, in that, some of the motivation is different.

This is just typical of me, though. I see someone doing what I am doing and perceive them to be doing it “better” and I want to call it quits. I deflate. I lose inspiration. The fact of the matter is that no one is entirely original, there is always someone doing what you are doing; some better, some worse. What I need to learn is that it doesn’t matter, because the way I do things is uniquely my own approach.

So, no I have not cut out spending entirely as the one gal. Perhaps my approach is not laid out as clearly as the other writer’s. I also saw, in my searching for those particular articles to link in, that there are a heck of a lot more articles out there regarding “no shopping” or “slow shopping”.

What I should really take away from this is that, clearly, in our society today, shopping in excess is a problem. Many of us are trying to figure why and how to fix it. That’s okay. It will take an army of people and ideas. Maybe, for the next generation we will start to reconsider how we structure our country’s wealth (right now a captialist system dependent on endless and increasing spending- where do we put all this shit?!?) and start to innovate and redesign the direction in which we are heading, towards something more sustainable, environmental and supportive of humankind (ie, not relying on slave labour to sustain low prices).

So here I am, having swung from discouragement back to optimism.

I forge on.

 

All that said. I am SO tempted. I have been obsessing all week about getting a new uke. I love and have been playing the entry level Kala shark uke I picked up, about 8 months ago just before the start of this challenge. I love playing it. It is a joy and I cannot seem to get enough. And now, I want better.

Do I need better? No. I just want.

How do I reconcile those feelings? I could use some mental tricks to make valid my need for a new uke. I DO use it. A better sounding, all wooden uke would encourage more practice. BUUUUT…does my current uke work? Yes. Does it sound good? Decent, yes. And, most importantly, will anything about the quality of my life change with a new uke? Probably not.

I’m also coming to a point where I wonder if I need to lean in a bit more; get more serious and strict about how I spend. I’ve bought the occasional fancy coffee while out and I have been buying lunches out more often than I’d like, simply because I have burned out with the food prep. For the longest time I made sure to always leave the house with the girls, extra clothes, toys, diapers and a complete lunch spread, repleat with snacks and enough to share with friends whom we most certainly bump into or meet up with on a daily basis. But I am spent…and so I spend. Guh.

Oh, and did I mention that my hubs just bought a new “used car”? yeah. He needed for work and it was very inexpensive, so that was definitely “legal” spending, but something to consider when I think about how much money we might hemorrhage on any given day and what I can do to staunch that.

I won’t go into the details of all the spending, the temptations averted or not. I will say that it goes on, but that I have definitely slowed my spending. I can say that the 7.5 months have changed us in that spending is not at the fore- we go out and play instead of walking the aisles of stores, save for grocery Mondays. Most spending is on food, basic necessities not food related are second, frivolous a small third. I think it will have a lasting impact on the kids- I managed to stop what had begun to be a “can I buy this?” kind of awareness in my eldest. Now she couldn’t care less about shopping, “could we please go to the park, mommy?” If nothing else, that is a big success and a motivator to keep going.

I am considering stopping the use of the interwebs and smart phone in regards to browsing. That is the biggest tempter. When I use the web to research ukulele’s it inevitably leads to looking at prices and then online stores. Also those facebook buy/sell/trade pages. I can see that they add temptation that I don’t need. The down side to giving up the latter, is that I have managed to both sell items and buy some needed items at deep discounts (ie, remodeling our kitchen and my kids bedroom, which are on going projects and could benefit from some thriftiness). But is it worth the time and temptation? I don’t know. We’ll have to consider that more fully.

 

I have to go. The night sets in and the kids demand attention. I don’t know that I answered  the question I set out at the beginning. I certainly have swung from one end of the pendulum to the other. I hope this post is somewhat coherent.

Goodnight.

 

 

 

Week 28: The View Will Cost You

I’m so behind on this week’s blog I considered just skipping it and combining it with next week. I feel like it is getting harder to find time to write than it was just a few months ago. Or maybe it’s flagging enthusiasm for this challenge?

Yet I soldier on because I do not want to be a quitter. I have started to think about what all this will have meant once this one year challenge is over. Will I have gained any knowledge about how I operate as a consumer? Will I have learned to tighten my belt? Will there be any significant changes in the way I spend money? I don’t know the answer to any of those questions.

Right now I am feeling both grateful for my life and the plenty that I am surrounded with and I am also stressed by the on-going financial issues that our medical bills from a few months back continues to plague us with. I am reminded of how lucky we are to manage to get away for the weekend, as we just did, on a mini family vacation to Yosemite. At the same time, I am frightened by how costly that ended up being and feeling slight guilt over that (more on that in a bit).

I’m essentially an internal mess. I want to be frugal and thrifty, yet time and again we end up spending. I am caught between wanting to be content with only the bare minimum and finding that sometimes spending is not only just necessary but sanity fortifying. I wonder if we are being wise to enjoy our money now despite challenges, or foolish and should be more cautious and knuckle down and save, save, save. I do not want to be a foolhardy millennial living off of credit like there’s no tomorrow. I think it’s safe to say that that is not the case, but sometimes I feel as though we teeter on that brink.

Last week I did some online shopping for “essentials” thinking that I was being efficient with my time and energy (my time is worth something, too, right?). Well, as it turns out, some items were not exactly right. Now, I had to deal with the rigmarole of returns. Essentially, I ended up settling for ‘less-than-exactly-right’ items and gave another item to a friend’s kid rather than make that effort to repackage and pay for return shipping. What I have learned from that is, a physical store is still preferred despite the effort involved hauling the kids with me.

I will also confess to cute, sparkly, holiday appropriate shoes that I impulse bought for my girls. There was definitely no need there. I thought perhaps that I would use them in our yearly photo shoot ( my internal spending trickster came up with that one!), but have decided on a theme that actually will not include sparkly shoes. Sooo…I have been staring at those shoes, set right by the door with tags on, debating and debating. To return or not. Every time I think, ‘ok, I’ll return these’, I envision my littlest running around with those sparkly Mary Janes and she looks so CUUTE. But, when it comes time to take off the tags, I can’t. Maybe I will change my mind and want to return them….

So, they sit there yet. My eldest’s sparkly shoes with the tag on have made it as far as the trunk of my car ( she has a pair of shiny shoes already)…now to look for the receipt. I don’t know why this is so gosh darn hard for me. Honestly. And in accordance with the rules I laid out when I started this challenge, if I am unable to return items I’ve spent frivolously on, I need to give away items. So, I will focus on that. More purging is in order!

And about Yosemite this weekend. It was amazing. It is one of the most picturesque places one could ever hope to visit. It is definitely something as many people as possible should see. It also happens to be one of the most expensive State Parks one could visit. For a two night stay in their tent cabins (camping sites were already booked up when we booked  a few months ago) we were out almost $400. Then take into account that you aren’t allowed to cook there (lots of bears, drought with the potential for fires) so you need to buy dinners at approx $35 per meal for two adults and two kids. Also, the gas to travel 5.5 hours in both directions. Also, a $30 entrance fee for any and all visitors to Yosemite. All told we were looking at about $600. Now, the reason we like to camp is because it is the most affordable way to have a vacation. This did not fall into that category. It really did not. But we went with friends and they were all in and so were we. We had an absolutely marvelous time. The girls loved it. I loved the ease of having a cabin with beds, a bear box, a working light, and no food clean-up. It was quite fantastic. Aaand it is something we will not be repeating for quite some time!! So, yeah, there’s some guilt, but there is also gratitude for the fact that we could do it at all. 

So, what is this blog all about this week? I dunno. A sort of confessional. And I feel the need to admit that I am really feeling quite embarrassed about all of this. I set out to do this “no needless spending” thing with a lot of enthusiasm and optimism. As it turns out, I feel like I have been failing at it quite miserably. I am embarrassed that more often than not this has been a list of my failures. Why does it matter? It just does. I know that this blog is mostly just talking into the wind, but for the few of you who are reading (for which I am grateful) I want to be able to say that I am making progress, that something is shifting within me. I want answers to my query: why do I want to spend? I will have to just end with no answers, as yet, reached.

love and gratitude.

S

 

 

Week 27: Mulch Ado About Nothing

This has been a spending week. I will just come right out and say it. There were things that needed buying and I decided to not footsie around with it. It’s a fine balance between finding deals and just getting the shopping over with. One requires a lot of time and searching, the other requires being willing to throw down the money at one location and be done. The latter is what I did. My hubs needed new shoes, I needed work-out leggings and my kiddo needed new “fancy” shoes as her most favorite mary-janes are now a tight squeeze.

Since my hubs hates shopping, and when he does get a chance, usually backs out of it because he can’t be bothered, I decided to hit the shoe racks at our local Ross. I found 3 shoes that he potentially might wear and bought them all. It felt weird to do so, but the plan was to have him try them and then return the others. I know, it’s an extra step for me while hauling two kids, but believe me, this was the simpler option. And miraculously there was one pair in the three that he liked and which was on clearance price for $12; so we did good on that front ( And I’ve already been back to return the others so we got the cash back in hand). I picked up fancy shoes for both my kids as we are going to be doing a photo shoot for our yearly Christmas card (I do the photoshoot). Sparkly shoes were in order. It did feel a little frivolous, but when it comes to the girls and especially my oldest who is particularly fond of the glitter these days, I know that they will be well used beyond this photo op.

I had also ordered rain boots online for my oldest along with a few more items in the same order off of Amazon. It feels like I went on a massive spending spree, but I do believe that all items are of value to us: two thermoses for holding warm foods (now that it’s cold, it will be nice to have warm foods for our picnics!), rain boots, a double set of windshield breaking devices (I won’t go into too much detail…but after two local families experienced tragedies in which their children were trapped in submerged vehicles, this item is a necessity for me), and absorbent training undies for my eldest.  I think we will be using all of these items!  Oh yes, and four Peppa Pig books are on order from our local book store as potty training incentives.

I also had an influx of clothing into my wardrobe courtesy of my very generous sister-in-law. I did not spend a cent. If you can believe it, after all that mulling over puffy jackets a few weeks back, she gave me her Patagonia puffy jacket! I will cherish it for a long time. Thanks Rebekah.

And last but not least, the hubs threw down a couple hundred on mulch. It’s been a long time coming. We live in Nor Cal after all. It’s about time we did away with our lawn, which, truth be told is barely a lawn and more of a weed garden. So we laid down cardboard to suppress the weeds and put down a thick layer of mulch. It felt good to get that taken care of. I’m so impressed with my man and how he just gets things done. The girls had a grand ol’ time tumbling about in the mulch as we worked.

And that is all I am going to report for now. It’s been a spendy week but all for a purpose, so I think I can live with that.

Oh! And I consigned my stuff this week and made just over $200! Not bad! Feeling pretty good about that.

Cheers.

Week 26: Consigning

I don’t know if it’s worth it. Getting stuff ready to consign is labor intensive. There’s the selecting of clothes: is it in good condition? Are there stains? There’s the prepping of clothes: washing, ironing. There’s the hanging of the clothes and tagging. Then there will be the drop off. All told, I don’t know how many hours will have gone into it. And then, will they sell? Did I price it well enough? Are the items desirable enough?

But, I must say that it feels good. In a way it is a great way to move stuff along but at a pace where you get to say your goodbyes and prepare for separation. There are a lot of memories attached to some items of clothing. And truth be told, I can’t bear to part with some of it. For the most part, though, I am letting things go. Having kids necessitates that. I am always letting go. I have to let go of trying to hold onto the baby version of my toddler…and now my quickly growing baby too. I have to let go of wanting to feel needed when my big girl walks away without looking back. Clothes, to be honest, are the least of my worries!

And what helps fuel the letting go is the need to make room for the next influx. Change happens so quickly around here. It’s exciting, it’s stressful, it keeps me on my toes.

I am also preparing to make some purchases for my girl. She is hovering on the brink of growing out of all of her shoes. This means I need to assess what is necessary for her in terms of footwear. I think running shoes are the bees knees. My kid thinks patent Mary Janes are the bomb. I think rain boots would be appropriate considering the rainy season is approaching. My kid thinks “what’s ‘appropriate’ got to do with anything?” So, not only do I need to assess whether something is necessary, I have to very much take into account whether or not it will be worn. Pretty much anything not pink or purple is suspect in my kiddos eyes right now. It makes me want to weep.

So, after having reported last week that I was not talking about shopping much, I found myself doing exactly that ( what I like to call “shop talk”). I’ve been eyeing other kids’ shoes and asking their mom’s about them. All for a purpose, of course, but I am afraid I will fuel my shopping monster. I hover on the brink.

I can hold out a little longer. The need is immanent but not immediate. For the moment, I will focus on the letting go. Wish me good consigning mojo!

 

Week 25: In Which a Mess Gets Messier before the Clean gets…Clean(i)er.

Let’s start with the highs, shall we?

I realize that my language around shopping has decreased significantly. I do allow myself to talk with others about retail related things, but it definitely doesn’t dominate. I don’t go out of my way, anymore, to ask where someone got something or comment on how cute an outfit is. It’s not that I don’t think it, but I choose not to make that a feature. I realize that my kid is listening, ALL THE TIME. I don’t want her to fall into that trap. Right now she is having so much fun experimenting with her own style, layering in whatever which way takes her fancy. It’s more about the independence of choice and the ability to dress herself that is the draw ( not how “cute” she looks) and I want to keep it that way for as long as possible. So, that is an added motivation, besides trying to un brainwash my spendy self, to not talk about buying things or focus on material things.

Okay, another high is that I felt no urges to shop this week. I got only the basics. Even went into the lions den, Costco, with a friend, and though we admitted that it was a house of temptation, neither of us left with anything frivolous. ( Side note, if you are a Costco fan please check out my Aunts blog: My Costco Odyssey. She has just set out on an adventure to visit at least one Costco per State, documenting their individual peculiarities and qualities.)

Heck, even had a date night with the hubs and we both agreed that while our previous date night had been a hoot, we couldn’t go around throwing down a hundred per date night…so we went super cheapo, brought a thermos of hot water with us, biked to the local Safeway for some cup ramiens and Ghirardelli chocolates and then spent hours biking around our neighborhood and surrounding area. We ended up at our local State Park where there was a nice picnic table repleat with view of trees and setting sun, where we chatted and noshed on spicey ramien. Then, we went to our local Tap Room to use a generous gift certificate my hubs got a while back from his sister and bro-in-law, and had a nice saunter home,  in the dark, eating Takis and cheesy Ruffles chips from bags tucked in our pockets while we pushed our bikes homeward (no biking tipsy in the dark!).

There actually isn’t truly a low to report, just that in my continuing effort to purge and sort (a looooong, drawn out process) I finally launched into Mission : Sort the Kids’ Clothes. Now, it’s all fine and dandy that I Kon Mari-ed my own wardrobe many months back and have all the clothes I possess visible to me in my closet. But, the kids clothes are a whole different story. It’s messy. When my oldest grows too big for her clothes, I put it away in storage until they fit my little one. Now, the sheer quantity of clothing my first born received from ages 0-24 months is staggering, though not at all news to any mom I’ve met…and I totally get it…dressing a baby is so FUN ( and I am truly grateful to family for providing so much for us). But there is definitely an element of stress in there for me, trying to keep all of those items in rotation, making sure they are all used and enjoyed. Do you KNOW how many items of baby clothes are in one full load of wash? A LOT. On a good day I don’t enjoy folding or putting away my own clothes; now take that amount and quadruple it at least…now add a rambunctious toddler and a baby alternately clinging and crying while holding my leg and/or unfolding what I’ve just folded and sorted and you can start to see what I’m dealing with. I have been known to leave a load of laundry, washed and dried in the dryer for upwards of five days…because I have no baskets…because they are full of another load of dirty clothes and/or I have folded and sorted clothes waiting to be put into their correct drawers. God help me.

Soooo. I really wanted to finally go through all the clothes my girls possess, assess and de-stress (TM) (just kidding) by eliminating. Okay…so turns out I am not as good at eliminating items when it comes to my kids clothes. For one, they are cute. For another, they contain memories. And for another, I know where each and every one came from…mostly loving aunts and grandmas.  AAAANNND, let’s not forget that these girls require multiple changes a day. So…all this ads up to me not being able to get rid of anything that currently fits either of them. Even the stained stuff….because they are just going to keep dirtying it.

What I could do was remove the items they no longer fit. This actually required a huge switcheroo. The giant dresser that my eldest used to house the massive amounts of clothes up to size 24 months now  started to feel empty as she handed down her clothes to my little one…and vice versa, my little one now has too much clothes to fit in her small dresser. A switch was needed. That’s what I did. I spent a good chunk of Saturday making the switch. Not a small feat.

I’ve been wanting to set up my girls room for a while in a way that makes it her space and feels special. I abandoned the make-over aspect of it because of budget, so that will have to come later, but I did get my hubby to help think up a way to make it so that she can access her own clothes. He had seen this nifty life hack somewhere on Reddit or something, making our unused crib (both kids never slept in it) something of value, finally (and FYI, for all your worriers out there, it is screwed to the wall. I’m married to a cabinet maker, after all!). All you moms out there know what this means of course, that I will forever be picking up clothes as she moves from outfit to outfit throughout the day…but it’s a small price to pay.

Now, as to the clothes that I could move on out ( I possess a small collection of baby clothes and favored items that I am keeping for posterity) I am planning to consign them…or at least, the ones that are not destroyed by food stains and over use. This is my one way of hopefully recouping some additional value from all of this, an attempt at least, before it all makes its way to the goodwill. And it does feel good to have some cash in hand. I also have quite a few girl friends who are expecting, so, if they let me, I will hand over some of my most favorite items to them…but most likely they will already be drowning in their own avalanche of clothes…so not sure if my gift would be more of a stress than anything. Hard to say. We certainly do live in a world of excess when it comes to clothing, and the baby industry is a huge culprit. We might be able to resist buying clothes for ourselves, but when it comes to those gosh darn adorable baby/toddler outfits, it’s neigh on impossible to resist.

…though I must say it was not hard to resist today when I walked into JC Penny’s to see if they had ballet slippers ( my aunt wants to give a pair to my eldest who loves tutus and dancing) and possibly rain boots. I took a look at those price tags and almost had a heart attack. Forty five dollar tops and dresses! Even the sale stuff was still way too much. And at those prices, I’d rather be buying from someone local rather than from a big corporation making their stuff overseas. It was not hard to walk out of there at all! Okay, it was a little hard because my littles were enticed by all the colors and sights, so I had to lure them with the joy of taking the escalator…which was, it turns out, very exciting.

That’s all for now. Goodnight.

 

 

 

Week 24: A Temple Rubber

By temple rubber, I don’t mean prophylactics (what would that even do?). I mean, I need to rub my temples in consternation as I try to figure this out.

A relatively easy week; I stayed distracted with lots of play dates, most of them at our place, far from any temptations. I don’t even think I opened my laptop more than once, so no online shopping to speak of. I did go on a thrift store expedition in an attempt to find gear for redecorating my toddlers room on a budget (that was a wash) and to get some basics for fall, but more on that later.

The thing that has me rubbing my temple is this: I had an amazing camping weekend with my family on the coast. The weather could not have been any more spectacular.The girls were having so much fun and at their best, so stimulated by the sights and sounds. My hubs and I felt so good we kept looking at each other with a sparkle in our eyes, flirty like we were when we started dating. And in a moment of happiness, looking at my girls rolling in the salty sand, watching my hubby dip his toes in the freezing ocean, seeing my mother and father-in-law enjoying their grand-kids, I felt euphoric. And in that height of euphoria (…I could have missed it, but I’m sensitized to it these days )…I thought about buying a new wardrobe!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Yes, as I looked at my family and felt content, I wanted to celebrate by buying new clothes. Where in the HECK does that come from?

After that moment, all I could do was wrack my brain for an explanation. What is it that equates contentment and happiness, with consumerism?! What the F#@*%? Why can’t I control it? I mean, I didn’t run out and physically follow through, but just the fact that this crossed my mind, right at that awesome moment is…baffling…preposterous…embarrassing…

Ok, the exact thought wasn’t: I need a new wardrobe. The thread was, ‘this is amazing, the sun feels so good, we need to do this more often, N is so happy, so are the kids, and they are so darn cute I can’t stop taking pictures, I need to really soak this moment up, and I feel really  good, I am getting really fit from doing barre class, it would feel good to have some high quality clothes that really fit my figure…’

blablabla. You kind of get the idea. It’s really hard to pin down the exact thoughts, but I did catch the moment it turned to consumerism. WHY!??!?! Will I ever be free of this?

Was I freezing and in need of more layers? No. Had I perhaps forgotten an item of clothes at home that I needed, like, say, pants? No. I purely just wanted something new.

Maybe it was the sun and the surf, it reminded me of a catalogue for LLBean or something. Maybe I thought I was a model in the catalogue with my beautiful family and likened our beauty to a picture repleat with great clothes…? Gah. Such a stretch. Maybe the sun just got to my head, period.

Simply put, the euphoria of the moment chemically equaled the brief euphoria I feel when I buy new clothes.

Yet, quantifiably they are not the same. One is wholesome, heart based, real stuff. The other is…false, a shell of a promise of attractiveness, a passing love affair that ends with the purchase. 

That is probably the reason I feel so bummed. Am I really as shallow as all that?

I’m still mulling it all over. I would love to hear any insights someone else might have, please do comment below!

So…I went thrifting. This is inherently a dangerous proposition because I am a collector at heart. However, since starting this challenge I have managed to repress the urge to collect (though I am always still looking) and have used the thrift stores to acquire necessities for the family. Clothes, toys, household items. My aunt is a thrift store genius. She has the mojo, not only will she find something great, she’ll also find it at it’s deepest discounted price. In the past we have been known to thrift together for the entire day, barely eating or looking at the clock. Those days are over though, now that I have kids in tow. There just so happens to be a great thrift store called Eco Thrift close to her, so last week we paid it a little visit. I wanted bedding and an area rug for my kiddo as she transitions into sleeping in her own room at night, I want it to be her little haven. Unfortunately it was not in the cards. Rarely do I find the thing I am looking for. But, I did find a handful of amazing winter sweaters for her in her new size, I found a larger cooler/picnic bag that I’ve been looking out for for a while, we got a few kids books (the one thing I think we can never have too much of), a large picnic blanket (something we use ALL the time), and a shirt and sweater for myself. A quilt for my baby’s bed to cozy it up as the weather gets cooler. A S’well water bottle that normally retails around $25 for just $2. I walked out with what looked like a santa sack full of gear, for $35. Nothing was frivolous, all went into immediate use. I think I was successful.

The only down side of buying anything, even if needed, is it triggers the shopper in me. I have been thinking about other things I want…possibly need. But, so long as they remain thoughts, I am still on the right side of it all.

So, that’s it. Please give me your thoughts. Thanks.

 

Week 23: Vive La Resistance!

I want to keep this as brief as possible because I have a few hours to myself, and rather than just blogging, I want to try to paint. But I do have something to report this week:

My puffy jacket arrived in the mail. Yes, the one I bought on-line after many attempts at trying to not do so. Well, it arrived and I was pretty excited. I anxiously unwrapped it and tried it on…and it fit horribly! It looked great on my body but the arms were way too wide.

So, I returned it. I didn’t even dick around with sending it back. I was on my way to somewhere with the kids and I veered off to return it to the physical store. I did wander around the store and try on a few puffy’s there…all ludicrously expensive and out of my league. Resisting them was not hard. I walked out of there with nothing except the $145 dollars I had spent, back on my card.

And folks, I considered returning to those websites to peruse for another deal. But I didn’t. The thrill is gone. I feel quite silly actually. I have been wearing the “ill fitting” puffy I already possess…and quite frankly, it is warm, it does it’s job…and I can’t see myself unless I look in the mirror, so I just won’t! Problem solved. Ill fitting or not, I am using it because I have it. End of story.

Our family hangs at the precipice of massive changes in our lives. We are most likely going all-in on a property on which we will build a new wood shop for Glenn Pope Woodworking. This is serious business. I shouldn’t say more, because it’s not really for me to tell at this point. Also, we still are dealing with trying to get our medical insurance claim processed to get back the large sum of money we paid to CHEO when C was ill in Canada. It’s a bit of a nightmare…but again, I will not go on about that too much.

Simply put, as far as spending is concerned, this is no longer just a personal challenge, this has direct impact on the whole family. I need to use what I have and be conservative with what we need. Are we watered and fed? That is the main thing, and all else is extraneous.

I need to get over myself and my wants. They are not important. I am not defined by what I possess. My happiness does not hinge on what I possess. I am not more attractive as the result of my possessions. Others’ opinions of me are not formed by what I possess…and if they do, then I need new friends! Lol!

That’s it. That’s all I have to say. I need to go paint.

 

Week 22: The Lure of Online Shopping

For the third week in a row I end up posting on Monday instead of Sunday. The slow slide…

I will aim to be back on track with the Sunday posts, I promise.

 

For the most part, this challenge to not spend needlessly has started to feel more natural. Perhaps it is because I have found a balance, finally, between complete austerity and over indulgence. I know I am doing well when I feel neither deprived nor guilty.

This week I thought I did rather well. The cure of having focused on de-cluttering stuck with me for well over half the week. I focused on getting the kids out doing things and on me making sure I was meeting up with mama’s with whom I could happily shoot the shit – essential for a happy emotional state. I’ve also been hitting the Dailey Method studio three times a week; and though it costs me, it is an investment I (if not my hubby) am happy to make. I am getting super strong, healing my diastasis recti, and gaining energy from it to help me though my busy child centered days. It’s also an added bonus that some of the physical changes are visible, which is very encouraging!

And I would have gotten through this week with nary a spending temptation, had it not been for a brief conversation with my hubby in which I told him my mom was sending me my puffy down vest and coat back to me (I forgot both back in Canada this past visit) and he said “Oh, we need to get you a good puffy. That one doesn’t fit right”.

Uh oh. A hubby sanctioned purchase?! And I am sorry, but my husband’s opinion on how I dress has always affected me. His appraisal of my ill-fitting puffy coat was a death-blow to my resolve. I know that sounds horrible, but, in the past too, if I wore an outfit I really liked and I got “the eyebrow” from the hubs, no matter how I tried to re-frame it in my head, that outfit would start to be worn less and less. Perhaps this is a blow to feminists everywhere. It certainly sounds terrible that I let someone else’s opinion on how I dress affect me. I have struggled to not care. But ultimately, folks, he is my husband. He is the one person in all the world whom I want to have look at me and still say “dang, you look good!” ( I am laughing inside, because I am pretty sure my hub’s internal dialogue has never included the word ‘dang!’). And truth be told, if anyone else were to tell me they didn’t like what I was wearing or how I looked, I would have no problem telling them where they could go.

So…with an essential blessing, and even a helping hand in finding a few sites to check out sale puffys (yes, he directed me to steep and cheap and REI Garage), I was thrown headlong into temptation central. At first I entered with caution, opening up one tab, scrolling briefly through a few options, then closing my computer. How could I buy such a big item (well over $100 on average) online? How would I know how it fit?

I was able to walk away from the idea thinking that I should go into a physical store and try out some of the big brands, like Patagonia and Marmot, before seriously looking online. Knowing how challenging it is to get to any store, let alone a store to shop for something for me with the kids in tow, I felt pretty confident this would be the block I needed to stall this venture. Then my crafty other self remembered that my sister-in-law wears these brands, and I asked to try them on when I was at her house. Oops. Now I knew exactly how they fit.

See how that works?

So now, armed with the valuable sizing info, the mystery of the online shop was not quite so mysterious, not quite so risky provided I stick with the known brands. I even have the hubs telling me I should get a Marmot because his has been great and they usual deep discount them at some point. Gaw. No help at all. And have you checked out steep and cheap? They know the ropes! The pressure of the quick, and often too hasty, decision. Deals go up on the page with a 5 minute count down. The sense of urgency grips your body as you try to research the product; is it truly cheap? Is it good quality? Do I need it? 5 minutes is not enough time to answer those questions.

I shut my computer and walked away for the day. But I kept the tabs open.

I even took a peek via my smart phone.

Finally, Sunday, I opened my computer back up. It had been a cold day. I was shivering. My mind was going to the camping trip we are going on in two weeks. I thought, well, I could just wear my old puffy, to heck with fit…but then the hubs will say something maybe…or I’ll know he’s thinking it. I bet a new puffy would have better fill…It would feel so good to be cozy…

Folks, I tried SO hard. I resisted and resisted but that nagging temptation monster kept rearing its head.

I even told myself that, because we had gone on a date night that I initiated, that money for the puffy was now gone, gone, gone. Too bad, so sad, wasn’t that date night worth it? Yet still, on Sunday night, I selected a blue Marmot down coat, 35% off on REI Garage, and I clicked that buy button.

My only possible reprieve is that REI has a 100% money back guarantee…precisely one of the reasons I bought it from there. But I was weak, so very weak.

And perhaps that is why I didn’t post last night, because I was too busy with the shell shock of having failed so miserably. I was in the grips of a battle; and I lost.

I’m trying to figure out what this means. I am part of a consumer culture. I am fully immersed in it. I am definitely not impervious to it. If I somehow manage to walk away from spending, I seem to inevitably return.

On a deeper level, what does this indicate? Why does the thought of something new make me feel like I’m receiving a reward; and choosing to use the old feels like, well, like impoverishment or lack. It sounds absolutely ludicrous. Especially when all I have to do is look up from this screen and see the wealth of things I posses. My generation (this is a generalization) has no idea what true need is. We are surrounded by stuff and yet we want more.

Yes, the ultimate dream for me is to have a home full of only the items I use on a regular basis, with a home for each and every item. In my closet, only the highest quality and/or most loved items I choose to wear on a regular basis. I could say that this puffy is an investment piece, because, truly, the other puffy is dead to me…but am I fooling myself? Is this just a clever trick my mind plays to justify? Because it can go both ways, it could be that I am just helping to fulfill the goal of only possessing things I truly love…or it could end up being yet another item that fills the temporary void.

Time will tell. I am hoping that, this being week 22 ( 30 more to go!) I am better equipped to figure out what is a necessary/good purchase. It ain’t over yet, I can still return it…or, at least, that’s what I am telling myself…

Week 21: The Cure

What is the ultimate cure for spending? Ummm…cleaning. More specifically, de-cluttering. This long weekend we had, as usual, made no plans in advance. This left us wide open to come up with some great spur of the moment activities. Being that we have had a rough week, the two of us, short on sleep and high on stress, we couldn’t think of much. Sometimes what is needed is simply time at home.

Unfortunately, time at home means looking at things more closely, aka: the mess. So, it launched us into de-clutter mode. I have been saying for months that the next de-cluttering frontier is the garage. Oh, the garage. The bane of my hubby’s existence. When I moved to California, permanently, from Ontario Canada, I brought a lot of stuff with me. Stuff that I could not get rid of, you know, the paraphernalia of personal history. Memories, in other words. I look at those unopened boxes gathering dust and I wonder why I couldn’t face de-cluttering all of those years ago when I had a chance; when each box and the amount it contained equaled a really sizable chunk of money, all sent through the mail. The cost of memories. I had a literal cost for being unable to let go.

I’ve always been a collector, but these days I am starting to change my perspective on things. I imagine us getting old, passing away and leaving this burden of earthly possessions to the kids. Who needs that? I know for a fact that I cannot bring anything physical with me when I die. What is this need to posses? What will happen to me if I don’t have all this stuff? And most importantly, if I do get rid of something meaningful, and I do, in the future have a pang of regret…what does that do to me? Really. And what will I gain in terms of mental emotional/clarity when I don’t have all of this stuff lingering around, cluttering my life?

Ultimately, that pang of regret is a transient feeling. It will not affect who I am nor the life I am living, nor the memories I carry with me. The pangs we have for physical things, the nostalgia, it’s just that: nostalgic feelings that can be felt, observed and let go of. 

I sound so confident and zen, don’t I?  In actuality, this is the ultimate challenge for me. I managed to empty quite a few boxes and send some things off either to the dump or the thrift store, but there are boxes I have designated my “search my heart” boxes. I will have to tackle each and every item in them and really honestly answer the questions: do I need this? Will I use this? Is this necessary? And, most importantly, is this an item of joy or a burden? If it’s a burden, I need to let it go, no matter what it is, no matter how personally historical.

One of the hardest thing for me is photographs. What to do with this precious documentation. To destroy it seems to be sacrilege. Yet, of all the things I possess it seems to be the biggest burden. The burden of a reluctant archivist. I do not possess the interest, time, or ability to organize and store all of it properly, so it weighs on my mind. I have to ask the questions: For whom are these photos? Will these photos be viewed? Will they be of value to anyone other than myself? Do I simply need one photo or the negatives too? The negatives are the DNA of the photo, yet they are inherently set to decompose, break down which, if I’m honest, is a source of anxiety for me too (this is proof of my existence, when we are all dust, there will be no record). Until such time as they are no longer viable, what will I do with them, can I let them go?! Would the regret of letting them go eat me up inside?

When I was younger, I actually thought that perhaps, one day, I might really make something of myself. Enough so that someone might be interested in my personal history. My ego-self envisioned that all the stuff I’d collected was like my personal museum, my biography, some day, long from now, someone would find my stuff and think it was gold, would gleefully delve into it all and glean something of my personality and life, a museum could be set up dedicated to my creative life. I am laughing so hard. And I am also so sad. The death of dreaming and the onset of reality and the likelihood of a lovely yet unremarkable, decidedly non celebrity life. Don’t get me wrong:

I love my life. I am just, probably, not the stuff of legend.

So there will be soul searching and brutal honesty in my future…when I get a chance. With kids, those chances seem to be few and far between. Ultimately that might help me be more swiftly decisive and brutal.

I turn to you, my lovely community: how do you deal with your personal artifacts? What can you let go of? What do you find you must keep and why?

 

Week 20: In Which We Celebrate my baby turning 3 years old

Okay, so I am a day late on this post. I almost completely forgot about it. Kind of blissful actually, to not feel the weight of any particular “have to” for a brief period of time (though usually it’s a “want to”). I’m sort of in a post birthday prep haze. Today, my kiddo’s actual birthday, we just chose to lie low and take the day nice and slow.

What to report/reflect on this week? I did spend. Mostly on party related things, but in that regard I think it was all rather conservative and very successful. I did have a moment (the Asian part of me) when I panicked that maybe I wasn’t preparing enough food, but it turned out to be ample and everyone left with full bellies. It felt like party food on a budget, but maybe it was just the nature of the cuisine? I chose to do “Mexican” not because I know much about the cuisine, but because in thinking about what small children might actually choose to eat alongside their parents (that wasn’t pizza), I thought “why, beans…and rice…tasty rice…and salty meat always seems to do the trick”. From that I figured on some quesadillas, some corn tortillas, home made salsa made by my mum-in-law, guacamole made by my Aunt Barb. I didn’t try to be a hero, I got the re fried beans from a can and focused instead on the meat. Without tasty meat, you’ve got nothin’. So, I let the hubs choose a large cut of meat from our deep freeze (from our locally sourced and butchered 1/8 of a cow) and I started the thaw and marinate part about 48 hours out. Then, I slow cooked that puppy for 11 hours timed to be ready just one hour before show time; enough time to be cool enough to be broken up into delicious taco ready strips. I also made horchatta from scratch. Super simple and extremely delicious. I will be revisiting that one for sure. All that said, it really didn’t cost all that much and it was a feast. * A huge thank you to my salsa, guac and bday cake contributors! Not sure what I would have done without you, Cathy, Barb and Rebekah.

On other birthday stuff. Decorations…now that can get out of hand…if you go to a party supply store. I made that mistake with little M’s birth day last month. No, the place to go is the dollar store. They have an entire wall dedicated to plastic table cloths, utensils, napkins and plates, all in a spectrum of colours. My kid made the specific request to have “pink and purple…with a little bit of black” Hoh! Some sophistication added to the palette. Not bad for a 3 year old! I think I got all of the decor (balloons and streamers, table cloth, utensils etc.)  plus a few party gift bag toys ( a few items from Target’s dollar area) for under $30. So, not too shabby.

Also this week, I started to get a little bit excited about painting my girls’ bedroom. She is starting to transition into sleeping in there by herself at nap time. She still has daddy in there at night, but I foresee a change a comin’ and I am pretty excited about that. It will be nice to share the same bed with the hubs again. So… I sort of want to pretty up, and magical-up her room so that it becomes her little safe haven/wonderland. She, of course, requested pink (this is the baby I deliberately put in only gender neutral clothes for the first year of her life. Grrr.). I want to figure out a work around, a way to incorporate pink but also use some of my artistic skill….perhaps a bit of mural art. Her auntie got her one of those wall mounted lights from IKEA shaped like a flower, and those giant leaf canopies for over the bed. I can see a flower garden theme emerging. I also want a book nook. The hubs forbids me (being that he is a cabinet maker) from buying some cheap thrift store book shelf and spray painting it. I am loath to always give him the projects, but on this I think I can’t argue… plus it would be nice to have some shelving specifically designed for the space. So…I was sort of on the hunt for a cool area rug and some bedding for her twin sized day bed. I roped one of my gal pals into coming with me to a few thrift stores. Unfortunately, there were no gems. I did come away with one clothing item to help flesh out her dwindling wardrobe as she fully launches into her 3T size category. But that’s it. I didn’t needlessly spend on any nick knacks. I am proud of that.

I did not sell any other items on that facebook yard sale page this week. Though it feels great to get some stuff gone and a bit of cash in hand…it does take a lot of time in posting, follow up and coordinating pick up. I already feel like media takes up way too much of my attention at times. I really don’t want my kids growing up with images in their head of mommy staring at her phone like a zombie. So, because of that awareness, I just didn’t manage to find the time to post anything. I think what I will do is try to be smart about it, I will only post at peak times…aka Friday, Saturday, to try to move some stuff out while more people are looking and I also have the hubs to tag team; because it is still quite worthwhile and in line with my intent to rid our lives of unnecessary clutter. It’s always such a fine balance of priorities, isn’t it?

Alright, not sure that that is it, but it is going to have to be. Night. Until next week.