Week 23: Vive La Resistance!

I want to keep this as brief as possible because I have a few hours to myself, and rather than just blogging, I want to try to paint. But I do have something to report this week:

My puffy jacket arrived in the mail. Yes, the one I bought on-line after many attempts at trying to not do so. Well, it arrived and I was pretty excited. I anxiously unwrapped it and tried it on…and it fit horribly! It looked great on my body but the arms were way too wide.

So, I returned it. I didn’t even dick around with sending it back. I was on my way to somewhere with the kids and I veered off to return it to the physical store. I did wander around the store and try on a few puffy’s there…all ludicrously expensive and out of my league. Resisting them was not hard. I walked out of there with nothing except the $145 dollars I had spent, back on my card.

And folks, I considered returning to those websites to peruse for another deal. But I didn’t. The thrill is gone. I feel quite silly actually. I have been wearing the “ill fitting” puffy I already possess…and quite frankly, it is warm, it does it’s job…and I can’t see myself unless I look in the mirror, so I just won’t! Problem solved. Ill fitting or not, I am using it because I have it. End of story.

Our family hangs at the precipice of massive changes in our lives. We are most likely going all-in on a property on which we will build a new wood shop for Glenn Pope Woodworking. This is serious business. I shouldn’t say more, because it’s not really for me to tell at this point. Also, we still are dealing with trying to get our medical insurance claim processed to get back the large sum of money we paid to CHEO when C was ill in Canada. It’s a bit of a nightmare…but again, I will not go on about that too much.

Simply put, as far as spending is concerned, this is no longer just a personal challenge, this has direct impact on the whole family. I need to use what I have and be conservative with what we need. Are we watered and fed? That is the main thing, and all else is extraneous.

I need to get over myself and my wants. They are not important. I am not defined by what I possess. My happiness does not hinge on what I possess. I am not more attractive as the result of my possessions. Others’ opinions of me are not formed by what I possess…and if they do, then I need new friends! Lol!

That’s it. That’s all I have to say. I need to go paint.

 

Week 22: The Lure of Online Shopping

For the third week in a row I end up posting on Monday instead of Sunday. The slow slide…

I will aim to be back on track with the Sunday posts, I promise.

 

For the most part, this challenge to not spend needlessly has started to feel more natural. Perhaps it is because I have found a balance, finally, between complete austerity and over indulgence. I know I am doing well when I feel neither deprived nor guilty.

This week I thought I did rather well. The cure of having focused on de-cluttering stuck with me for well over half the week. I focused on getting the kids out doing things and on me making sure I was meeting up with mama’s with whom I could happily shoot the shit – essential for a happy emotional state. I’ve also been hitting the Dailey Method studio three times a week; and though it costs me, it is an investment I (if not my hubby) am happy to make. I am getting super strong, healing my diastasis recti, and gaining energy from it to help me though my busy child centered days. It’s also an added bonus that some of the physical changes are visible, which is very encouraging!

And I would have gotten through this week with nary a spending temptation, had it not been for a brief conversation with my hubby in which I told him my mom was sending me my puffy down vest and coat back to me (I forgot both back in Canada this past visit) and he said “Oh, we need to get you a good puffy. That one doesn’t fit right”.

Uh oh. A hubby sanctioned purchase?! And I am sorry, but my husband’s opinion on how I dress has always affected me. His appraisal of my ill-fitting puffy coat was a death-blow to my resolve. I know that sounds horrible, but, in the past too, if I wore an outfit I really liked and I got “the eyebrow” from the hubs, no matter how I tried to re-frame it in my head, that outfit would start to be worn less and less. Perhaps this is a blow to feminists everywhere. It certainly sounds terrible that I let someone else’s opinion on how I dress affect me. I have struggled to not care. But ultimately, folks, he is my husband. He is the one person in all the world whom I want to have look at me and still say “dang, you look good!” ( I am laughing inside, because I am pretty sure my hub’s internal dialogue has never included the word ‘dang!’). And truth be told, if anyone else were to tell me they didn’t like what I was wearing or how I looked, I would have no problem telling them where they could go.

So…with an essential blessing, and even a helping hand in finding a few sites to check out sale puffys (yes, he directed me to steep and cheap and REI Garage), I was thrown headlong into temptation central. At first I entered with caution, opening up one tab, scrolling briefly through a few options, then closing my computer. How could I buy such a big item (well over $100 on average) online? How would I know how it fit?

I was able to walk away from the idea thinking that I should go into a physical store and try out some of the big brands, like Patagonia and Marmot, before seriously looking online. Knowing how challenging it is to get to any store, let alone a store to shop for something for me with the kids in tow, I felt pretty confident this would be the block I needed to stall this venture. Then my crafty other self remembered that my sister-in-law wears these brands, and I asked to try them on when I was at her house. Oops. Now I knew exactly how they fit.

See how that works?

So now, armed with the valuable sizing info, the mystery of the online shop was not quite so mysterious, not quite so risky provided I stick with the known brands. I even have the hubs telling me I should get a Marmot because his has been great and they usual deep discount them at some point. Gaw. No help at all. And have you checked out steep and cheap? They know the ropes! The pressure of the quick, and often too hasty, decision. Deals go up on the page with a 5 minute count down. The sense of urgency grips your body as you try to research the product; is it truly cheap? Is it good quality? Do I need it? 5 minutes is not enough time to answer those questions.

I shut my computer and walked away for the day. But I kept the tabs open.

I even took a peek via my smart phone.

Finally, Sunday, I opened my computer back up. It had been a cold day. I was shivering. My mind was going to the camping trip we are going on in two weeks. I thought, well, I could just wear my old puffy, to heck with fit…but then the hubs will say something maybe…or I’ll know he’s thinking it. I bet a new puffy would have better fill…It would feel so good to be cozy…

Folks, I tried SO hard. I resisted and resisted but that nagging temptation monster kept rearing its head.

I even told myself that, because we had gone on a date night that I initiated, that money for the puffy was now gone, gone, gone. Too bad, so sad, wasn’t that date night worth it? Yet still, on Sunday night, I selected a blue Marmot down coat, 35% off on REI Garage, and I clicked that buy button.

My only possible reprieve is that REI has a 100% money back guarantee…precisely one of the reasons I bought it from there. But I was weak, so very weak.

And perhaps that is why I didn’t post last night, because I was too busy with the shell shock of having failed so miserably. I was in the grips of a battle; and I lost.

I’m trying to figure out what this means. I am part of a consumer culture. I am fully immersed in it. I am definitely not impervious to it. If I somehow manage to walk away from spending, I seem to inevitably return.

On a deeper level, what does this indicate? Why does the thought of something new make me feel like I’m receiving a reward; and choosing to use the old feels like, well, like impoverishment or lack. It sounds absolutely ludicrous. Especially when all I have to do is look up from this screen and see the wealth of things I posses. My generation (this is a generalization) has no idea what true need is. We are surrounded by stuff and yet we want more.

Yes, the ultimate dream for me is to have a home full of only the items I use on a regular basis, with a home for each and every item. In my closet, only the highest quality and/or most loved items I choose to wear on a regular basis. I could say that this puffy is an investment piece, because, truly, the other puffy is dead to me…but am I fooling myself? Is this just a clever trick my mind plays to justify? Because it can go both ways, it could be that I am just helping to fulfill the goal of only possessing things I truly love…or it could end up being yet another item that fills the temporary void.

Time will tell. I am hoping that, this being week 22 ( 30 more to go!) I am better equipped to figure out what is a necessary/good purchase. It ain’t over yet, I can still return it…or, at least, that’s what I am telling myself…

Week 21: The Cure

What is the ultimate cure for spending? Ummm…cleaning. More specifically, de-cluttering. This long weekend we had, as usual, made no plans in advance. This left us wide open to come up with some great spur of the moment activities. Being that we have had a rough week, the two of us, short on sleep and high on stress, we couldn’t think of much. Sometimes what is needed is simply time at home.

Unfortunately, time at home means looking at things more closely, aka: the mess. So, it launched us into de-clutter mode. I have been saying for months that the next de-cluttering frontier is the garage. Oh, the garage. The bane of my hubby’s existence. When I moved to California, permanently, from Ontario Canada, I brought a lot of stuff with me. Stuff that I could not get rid of, you know, the paraphernalia of personal history. Memories, in other words. I look at those unopened boxes gathering dust and I wonder why I couldn’t face de-cluttering all of those years ago when I had a chance; when each box and the amount it contained equaled a really sizable chunk of money, all sent through the mail. The cost of memories. I had a literal cost for being unable to let go.

I’ve always been a collector, but these days I am starting to change my perspective on things. I imagine us getting old, passing away and leaving this burden of earthly possessions to the kids. Who needs that? I know for a fact that I cannot bring anything physical with me when I die. What is this need to posses? What will happen to me if I don’t have all this stuff? And most importantly, if I do get rid of something meaningful, and I do, in the future have a pang of regret…what does that do to me? Really. And what will I gain in terms of mental emotional/clarity when I don’t have all of this stuff lingering around, cluttering my life?

Ultimately, that pang of regret is a transient feeling. It will not affect who I am nor the life I am living, nor the memories I carry with me. The pangs we have for physical things, the nostalgia, it’s just that: nostalgic feelings that can be felt, observed and let go of. 

I sound so confident and zen, don’t I?  In actuality, this is the ultimate challenge for me. I managed to empty quite a few boxes and send some things off either to the dump or the thrift store, but there are boxes I have designated my “search my heart” boxes. I will have to tackle each and every item in them and really honestly answer the questions: do I need this? Will I use this? Is this necessary? And, most importantly, is this an item of joy or a burden? If it’s a burden, I need to let it go, no matter what it is, no matter how personally historical.

One of the hardest thing for me is photographs. What to do with this precious documentation. To destroy it seems to be sacrilege. Yet, of all the things I possess it seems to be the biggest burden. The burden of a reluctant archivist. I do not possess the interest, time, or ability to organize and store all of it properly, so it weighs on my mind. I have to ask the questions: For whom are these photos? Will these photos be viewed? Will they be of value to anyone other than myself? Do I simply need one photo or the negatives too? The negatives are the DNA of the photo, yet they are inherently set to decompose, break down which, if I’m honest, is a source of anxiety for me too (this is proof of my existence, when we are all dust, there will be no record). Until such time as they are no longer viable, what will I do with them, can I let them go?! Would the regret of letting them go eat me up inside?

When I was younger, I actually thought that perhaps, one day, I might really make something of myself. Enough so that someone might be interested in my personal history. My ego-self envisioned that all the stuff I’d collected was like my personal museum, my biography, some day, long from now, someone would find my stuff and think it was gold, would gleefully delve into it all and glean something of my personality and life, a museum could be set up dedicated to my creative life. I am laughing so hard. And I am also so sad. The death of dreaming and the onset of reality and the likelihood of a lovely yet unremarkable, decidedly non celebrity life. Don’t get me wrong:

I love my life. I am just, probably, not the stuff of legend.

So there will be soul searching and brutal honesty in my future…when I get a chance. With kids, those chances seem to be few and far between. Ultimately that might help me be more swiftly decisive and brutal.

I turn to you, my lovely community: how do you deal with your personal artifacts? What can you let go of? What do you find you must keep and why?

 

Week 20: In Which We Celebrate my baby turning 3 years old

Okay, so I am a day late on this post. I almost completely forgot about it. Kind of blissful actually, to not feel the weight of any particular “have to” for a brief period of time (though usually it’s a “want to”). I’m sort of in a post birthday prep haze. Today, my kiddo’s actual birthday, we just chose to lie low and take the day nice and slow.

What to report/reflect on this week? I did spend. Mostly on party related things, but in that regard I think it was all rather conservative and very successful. I did have a moment (the Asian part of me) when I panicked that maybe I wasn’t preparing enough food, but it turned out to be ample and everyone left with full bellies. It felt like party food on a budget, but maybe it was just the nature of the cuisine? I chose to do “Mexican” not because I know much about the cuisine, but because in thinking about what small children might actually choose to eat alongside their parents (that wasn’t pizza), I thought “why, beans…and rice…tasty rice…and salty meat always seems to do the trick”. From that I figured on some quesadillas, some corn tortillas, home made salsa made by my mum-in-law, guacamole made by my Aunt Barb. I didn’t try to be a hero, I got the re fried beans from a can and focused instead on the meat. Without tasty meat, you’ve got nothin’. So, I let the hubs choose a large cut of meat from our deep freeze (from our locally sourced and butchered 1/8 of a cow) and I started the thaw and marinate part about 48 hours out. Then, I slow cooked that puppy for 11 hours timed to be ready just one hour before show time; enough time to be cool enough to be broken up into delicious taco ready strips. I also made horchatta from scratch. Super simple and extremely delicious. I will be revisiting that one for sure. All that said, it really didn’t cost all that much and it was a feast. * A huge thank you to my salsa, guac and bday cake contributors! Not sure what I would have done without you, Cathy, Barb and Rebekah.

On other birthday stuff. Decorations…now that can get out of hand…if you go to a party supply store. I made that mistake with little M’s birth day last month. No, the place to go is the dollar store. They have an entire wall dedicated to plastic table cloths, utensils, napkins and plates, all in a spectrum of colours. My kid made the specific request to have “pink and purple…with a little bit of black” Hoh! Some sophistication added to the palette. Not bad for a 3 year old! I think I got all of the decor (balloons and streamers, table cloth, utensils etc.)  plus a few party gift bag toys ( a few items from Target’s dollar area) for under $30. So, not too shabby.

Also this week, I started to get a little bit excited about painting my girls’ bedroom. She is starting to transition into sleeping in there by herself at nap time. She still has daddy in there at night, but I foresee a change a comin’ and I am pretty excited about that. It will be nice to share the same bed with the hubs again. So… I sort of want to pretty up, and magical-up her room so that it becomes her little safe haven/wonderland. She, of course, requested pink (this is the baby I deliberately put in only gender neutral clothes for the first year of her life. Grrr.). I want to figure out a work around, a way to incorporate pink but also use some of my artistic skill….perhaps a bit of mural art. Her auntie got her one of those wall mounted lights from IKEA shaped like a flower, and those giant leaf canopies for over the bed. I can see a flower garden theme emerging. I also want a book nook. The hubs forbids me (being that he is a cabinet maker) from buying some cheap thrift store book shelf and spray painting it. I am loath to always give him the projects, but on this I think I can’t argue… plus it would be nice to have some shelving specifically designed for the space. So…I was sort of on the hunt for a cool area rug and some bedding for her twin sized day bed. I roped one of my gal pals into coming with me to a few thrift stores. Unfortunately, there were no gems. I did come away with one clothing item to help flesh out her dwindling wardrobe as she fully launches into her 3T size category. But that’s it. I didn’t needlessly spend on any nick knacks. I am proud of that.

I did not sell any other items on that facebook yard sale page this week. Though it feels great to get some stuff gone and a bit of cash in hand…it does take a lot of time in posting, follow up and coordinating pick up. I already feel like media takes up way too much of my attention at times. I really don’t want my kids growing up with images in their head of mommy staring at her phone like a zombie. So, because of that awareness, I just didn’t manage to find the time to post anything. I think what I will do is try to be smart about it, I will only post at peak times…aka Friday, Saturday, to try to move some stuff out while more people are looking and I also have the hubs to tag team; because it is still quite worthwhile and in line with my intent to rid our lives of unnecessary clutter. It’s always such a fine balance of priorities, isn’t it?

Alright, not sure that that is it, but it is going to have to be. Night. Until next week.

 

Week 19: Spendy and Thrifty in Equal Measure

What shall I report this week? That I am confused? That I don’t know if this little experiment in cutting out needless spending is working out at all?

I was both thrifty and spendy this week in almost equal measure.

On the spendy: I will be brief about this, but let me just say that sometimes as a mom, it is more expedient to go somewhere close and easily accessible but more pricey, than somewhere farther away but more cost effective.

This was me as I walked into Whole Foods on my way home from a play date, my kids on the verge of breakdown pre-nap. I had to get food and I had to get it fast. I think I left with maybe enough food for several meals, a measly pile yet a strikingly high bill. As I left the store I thought, dang, I better make this the best salt chicken I have ever made in my life!

As a result of that spendiness, I ended up vowing to not return to the grocery store this week, no matter how dire; I would make due with what was in my cupboards, garden and pantry. For the most part, I think I did great. I did have to go out for some spices to make curry from scratch, and pick up some naan, but all else was scrounged from the dim back corners of my cupboards. As of this writing, my cupboards are rather bare. I eked out a pear (instead of banana) bread with the last bar of butter, last cup and a half of rye flour, last bit of sugar…and the only two eggs (freshly laid by our lovely hens) left in the house.

Tomorrow is grocery day, I basically need everything. I hope to get to a grocery store where I can spend the same but get a lot more bang for my buck.

I spent on other things. Namely a gift for my soon to be 3 year old, and a toy that, in my husband’s estimation helps to expose her to pursuits more in-line with what daddy finds fun and interesting: A tool box.

I got this Green Toy tool box off that facebook group for $5. The dress she is happily wearing, $2. Both necessary? Perhaps not, but they both serve a purpose and were a delight. Also daddy approved.

I also couldn’t help thrift shopping with my aunt ( our favourite activity to do together ) in search of items to furnish this kitchen remodel my hubs is launching into. We hit up the local ReStore and I found us a great stainless steel sink, $40 with some wear and tear. We investigated it’s original cost: $700! So I came away feeling pretty darn good about that one. Considering the many temptations before my eyes (being a trinket collector at heart) I did really well, coming away with the sink and 3 sets of dresses for my tot who is obsessed with dresses and dirt in equal measure…and at $2 per dress, I felt it was a wise investment…both for her joy and my ease of mind ( if it gets spoiled, no big deal!)

 

On the thrifty: I started selling stuff on that local yard sale facebook page I discovered.

It took some time. I had 4 items posted for a week with no real takers. I also had a few flakers. But ultimately, I sold almost all of the items I posted and posted some more items that sold quickly. It felt good to open my mailbox to find some cash in it rather than bills! And it’s kind of addictive. I keep casting around looking to see what else I can sell off. This is an excellent way to rid our house of clutter in a far more targeted way than the laborious business of a yard sale.

I also became a sort of homesteader (as one of my mom friends calls it when she cans) this weekend making preserves! Yeah, I made pear jam from pears I’d picked up on a random, unplanned detour; I was drawn to turn down a road by beautifully hand painted signs saying “pears for sale”. I followed the well placed painted pears and arrows to a driveway with a tent erected over a table with single pears, small flats of pears and large flats of pears, for 75cents, 4 bucks or 7 bucks respectively. I placed the 14 dollars in the honour system jar and gleefully hauled away two massive flats of Bartlett pears, grinning like a maniac while quickly trying to figure out what one could DO with so many wonderful pears. I was certain I would think of something.

A week later, they were all gorgeously ripe and far too soft for my juicer. It was pear jam or nothing. Like a Tyrannosaurus attempting to tie his shoelaces with his tiny, tiny hands, I entered my kitchen equipped only with a few googled recipes, my mother-in-laws canning equipment and my almost overripe pears to begin the preserving process. Yeah, it was a little comical. To begin with, I had no jars. My hubs had kindly bought me three lemons and one small packet of pectin on my behest earlier in the day (far too little, as it turned out that two flats of pears makes an enormous amount of jam). Mid way through the jam making the hubs again went out and bought me some canning jars (again, far too few, I could have done with triple the number). What ended up coming of all that was actually, some decently delicious pear jam with a hint of ginger and cardamom…of which a portion was properly canned…and the remainder (over half) hastily poured into whatever vessels of varying sizes were available to contain it.

It was a sticky mess. I’d like to say that I learned a bit about canning and preparedness. I think maybe I did. Whatever it was that happened in there….it was exciting if not perfect. I am already looking ahead to perhaps begging some gorgeous peaches from a mama friend of mine so that I might attempt this whole canning adventure once again. I may be hooked! As to it’s thriftiness. It felt darn thrifty (maybe because it was so laborious). The fruits themselves were a steal. The additional cost of lemons, pectin and cans threw off the margins of “dead cheap” to “moderately cheap”. In the future, provided not all the cans are given away, I will only have to replace the lids, and if I were to continue this canning craziness, the thriftiness factor might start to rise.

 

I’ve been thinking about this whole blog and what it is I am trying to achieve. I feel like I’ve waffled a lot and sent my few readers on a bit of a journey of confusion.

Essentially, it is confusing. It’s confusing that spending is such a big part of life. Trying to discern what spending is of the utmost necessity and what is not, is even more confusing. It really comes down to goals. Is my goal to save up money and not spend at all? Or is my goal to live comfortably, surrounding myself with things that matter, not depriving myself of things but choosing carefully what it is I bring in? Over arcing it all is my relationship to things and money. Do I feel guilt when I spend? When and why? Do I feel pleasure when I spend? Is it lasting? Are the things I have appreciated?

I’m still getting to the bottom of all this. So, in that regard, this is not a futile effort, as confusing and meandering as it may seem.

I do, in many ways, feel accountable to you, my invisible readers. I sure hope you are out there. I like to think that you are, because you help me assess my progress week by week. Please feel free to comment here on my blog page and offer ideas, thoughts and support. Thank you for taking your valuable time to read this. Much gratitude.

 

 

 

Week 17: A New Temptation

Man is it ever hard to do a post on Sunday night. Seriously, I just want to sleep.

So, I guess I should attempt to be succinct. Ha.

I found a new temptation. My aunt turned me on to facebook’s sellers sites that are specific to the region you live in. It took me a while to find these closed groups, but essential, once you request access, you’re in and you can start scrolling through endless posts of things for sale in your area.

I know, what am I doing dabbling with such things when I am trying to not spend? The answer is…I don’t know. I couldn’t resist. Like my husband and his Reddit, I could not look away. I felt pretty confident that it would simply be cheap thrills and that there would not be much to tempt me. Lots of listings are for knick knacks, children’s clothes etc.

I actually half signed on to these in order to use it to sell my own junk. I am planning on doing so once I get the hang of it…there is some short form language used on the sites that I am trying to figure out. You can also post “in search of”s (ISOs) which could come in handy as I am actually in search of a Strider bike for my toddler for her upcoming birthday.

All that to say, I thought I was somewhat impervious. But then, it took all of maybe 15 minutes for me to scroll to a post that I could not look away from. This one struck me to my core, because it was something I have coveted since I was in my early 20s working at a kitchen store where on display was a pine green, enamel and chrome, modern but old looking Wedgewood. It was ludicrous expensive and completely out of my range…in fact most people’s range as I never sold a single one.

Well, folks, a Wedgewood was up for grabs…from the 1950s, in apparent working order, white enamel…and from my quick research much more reliable than most modern stoves. The seller was asking $200.

So, the ultimate test, I asked my husband. I was prepared to drop it as soon as he laughed in my face. But he didn’t. He gave me his blessing.

Sooo…after a trip to a neighboring city to take a look at it, and after enlisting the men folk to go haul it after they got off work, here it is:

She’s definitely in need of some TLC but the original owners kept her really clean. The chrome has some rust, but I like to call that a patina. This beauty can heat up to 600 F which bodes well for pizza making…as well as an ability to burn super low for simmering which is something my current propane stove sucks at. It’s got a griddle in the center…I mean, come on folks, this thing is amazing. On the inside of the oven door are cook times for various 1950s dishes. So cool. We may have to do some retrofitting, but the hubs seems certain he can figure it all out. I love that man.

It actually got me and the hubs all inspired to start planning the final remodel in our house, the kitchen.

So, it would be all well and good if it all just ended there. But no…this weekend alone I picked up a bamboo and chrome stool that raises and lowers, to replace my other stool that causes my back to ache when I’m painting in the art room. That was $20.

Then, of all things, someone posted a pick of about 17 pieces of miniature furniture, plus tiny pots and pans, books, lamps etc. for $30.

What in the heck, Sharolyn, you say. Why would you want that? I know, it seems nuts. But, here’s the deal: there’s this really amazing doll house that was built for my husband’s grandmother when she was a little girl. It’s been passed down, seen hard times. Recently the hubs scraped all the old wallpaper off and painted the thing white. The plan is to redecorate it for my girls. I have been enthused about it but found no time to actually do anything with it. And I KNOW that if one does not take action on such things, in a blink of an eye, 10 years has passed and it is no longer relevant. So I took this post as my push. So, now I am in possession of enough doll furniture to outfit the house.

After all that spending, I feel like I am a hopeless failure at this whole “no unnecessary spending” thing. But if I really look at it, the purchases were valid. I guess, when I started this whole challenge, I thought my spending would stop dead. Turns out spending still happens, but in a more thoughtful way. I truly do evaluate its use. I suppose, if the goal were to not spend at all, this blog would be titled “living on nothing” or something like that.

What I did do was bring several garbage bags full of stuff to the Goodwill. It felt good to send some stuff along. In and out, that is how it works. Hopefully more out than in.

The challenge now is that I am in search of a few things for our remodel, like a sink, pot rack, flooring etc. So, no doubt I will be perusing those group pages on facebook again. The trick will be to learn how to use it for good: sell off the things I no longer need, and only buy for our specific needs.

I think I can do it.

Kid Wisdom

I know.

I just said in my last blog that one post a week, on Sunday, was all I could handle.

For the most part, that’s going to be true. But for some miraculous reason, both kids are napping and napping well right now. Which gives me a chance to share something with you:

My kid is a wise, anti-shopping guru.

Yes. She blew me away today. I was all set to haul us to Old Navy, finally caving to the realization that, my almost 3 year old is finally growing out of a lot of her clothes and she is actually in need of a few items. Mostly dresses as that, for some reason, is all she wants to wear these days. We are quickly running out of options. So, I thought (with yes, a little bit of glee) that I would go check out the summer sale rack and see if I couldn’t find a few soft, practical jersey dresses that would be great for running and playing in.

I floated the idea with my girl, thinking she’d be really excited at the prospect of more dresses. I was like, “Hey! What do you say we go get some new dresses for you today?”

And she said “NO!”

I was taken aback for a moment. Surely she heard me wrong.

“You don’t want new dresses? I thought you loved wearing dresses? We don’t have much at home. Are you saying you don’t want dresses?”

“No. I don’t want dresses.”

“Are you sure?”(note how insistent and persuasive I am trying to be – that’s me resisting letting the idea go) “will you be okay with it when tomorrow you ask to wear a dress and we don’t have one?”

“Yes. We will just wear…let’s go to the park.”

“You want to go to the park instead of getting a dress?”

“Let’s go to the park”.

And so I took a breath, absorbed her infinite wisdom, and let the idea of dresses go. It was hard. But we went and we played, and, in both our estimation, it was a better way to spend our day.

I bow to my toddler teacher in all her wisdom.

Tomorrow she may tantrum that she has no dress to wear…but we’ll improvise, I am sure. Perhaps a load of laundry will reveal a few dresses we haven’t seen in a while. Hmmm.

*Bonus points for those who counted how many times I said “dresses” in this post.

Days 100-107: Am I a Quitter?

I made it to 100 days…and then sailed right on by it without marking it.

I meant to celebrate my 100th day, but as I am a mom of two very young energetic and fully occupying kids, I just could not find the time.

It’s been an imperfect 100 days. I have definitely not managed to adhere entirely to my own rules. I feel like I have spent quite a bit of money, mostly on things I think are necessary, but sometimes that definition has been gray.

I must also confess that I really want to quit. I don’t feel like I can do this well, and it bothers me. For one, finding time to blog about my experience has proved to be rather challenging. By the end of the day, if my baby has finally given up fighting sleep, it is usually so late that my writing is incoherent; my enthusiasm for writing is…tepid at best.

The other reason I want to quit is because…I want to spend money.

I didn’t mention this earlier, because it is all quite tenuous and I am kind of waiting for everything to revert back..the other shoe to drop so to speak…but two things have happened in the last month: I unexpectedly lost a bit of weight (no idea how, but most likely as a result of stress) and my hand eczema has almost entirely healed.

Both of these things have been…wonderful but…the urge to buy a new dress…or outfit of some kind is overwhelming. It’s somehow part of my psyche that in order to celebrate something like this, this “new me”, I should spend on a new wardrobe to highlight my new physique. Not totally unreasonable I suppose, but it is exactly what I am trying to avoid.

My monkey mind has told me more than once this week that I need to quit this whole venture because I am doing a terrible job of it, no one cares, no one is reading this blog, anyone who is reading this blog is confused by it’s random posts, I don’t know how to blog, I’ve already spent money I shouldn’t have, who wants to read my on-going confessions…etc.etc.etc.

I knew this was going to be hard. Things that are worthwhile tend to be.

So, though I am so very tempted to throw in the towel and go on a mad spending spree, I am not going to.

What I will do is adjust how I blog. I must acknowledge that I am a busy mom with not much free time. Thus, I will not fruitlessly aim for a daily blog post but a weekly one, which will greatly relieve the low-level stress I feel when I realize how spectacularly I am failing at posting daily. So, starting tomorrow, I will be collecting my thoughts from Monday to Sunday and posting on Sunday about my week of “not spending on unnecessary things”. Today is day 107..that’s how many weeks…let’s call that 15 weeks and change. So, next Sunday’s post will be week 16.

Ta da! It ain’t perfect, but it’s an effort to stay in the game.

See you next Sunday.

 

Days 96, 97& 98: The Costco Conundrum

Man, the big box stores sure have it dialed in.

You might go in there for necessities, but the temptations abound. Things you never thought you needed or desired are there in heaping piles yelling “deal, deal, deal!”

Moreover, they usually contain the allure of being also a name brand. What IS it about the name-brand that gets me so lathered up.I’m definitely a sheep when it comes to that. I have been so conditioned to value the brand name…even though I KNOW it is not necessarily synonymous with quality. That in fact, some of those name brands are FOR SURE using cheap production and slave labor to further their brand. And yet…

Here was my temptation:

The material was incredibly soft and flowy. Perfect for a momma who just wants to pull on some pants and forget about them. The fact that they were name brand added a little bit of hope (on my part) that they would be a little stylish too.

In the next aisle was underwear. Who doesn’t need underwear?

I don’t. Especially not the ones with a man’s name written all the way around the band: Calvin Klein, Calvin Klein, Calvin Klein.

If a man’s name has to be written on my underwear, it better be my husband’s.

Yet, still, two days later, I keep thinking about just nipping back into Costco to pick those pair of pants up. Luckily, there is no such thing as “nipping in” when you’ve got two under three.

Did I tell you that I used a loaner ukulele while I was visiting family in Canada?

Well, I did, and it was far superior to the one I own. Superior by far. I will never be the same. To know what quality sound the ukulele, if made well, can emit has changed my view and enjoyment of the instrument irrevocably. I now covet that ukulele, which was hand-made by a luthier in Hawaii. Even took a picture of my beloved on the eve of our separation:

And I’ve found myself compulsively looking at ukes for sale on Craigslist and googling “how to make a ukulele” as I realize more and more how expensive a good one can be.

Since I’ve been back I’ve been dreaming about just “stopping by” a music store to “try out” their ukes. Laughable thought with two kids in tow who are more likely to run about tearing instruments from displays than sitting quietly by my side, listening to me play excerpts from my favorite songs.

I must say, on the no spending front, I am feeling rather discouraged. I am having a really hard time not desiring things. Even as I look about my place in discontent, wanting to rid myself of excess, I still desire new things. Why? It seems so at odds with what I envision for my living space, my mental and spiritual space. So many times I catch myself thinking, ‘yeah, I can just buy that and not post about it. Who really cares if I break the rules. I’m being too strict.’

Who cares? I care. I care to know why I want to purchase things so compulsively. I want to know why I think some object will make my life better, make me more attractive, more together, more stylish, more interesting.

What is the hole I’m filling and why is that hole there?

So many questions. I guess that’s what all of this is for. So I keep on examining and blogging, as imperfect as this experiment is.

 

Day 33: Shoppers Brain

It’s amazing the machinations and contortions the brain can go through in order to justify things.

I actually caught myself thinking that buying dresses for an upcoming wedding is a necessity. Luckily, all thoughts of shopping must come under close scrutiny, and so, I really gave it some good thought. And what I came up with was, no, dresses are not a necessity. Yes, my toddler has outgrown most of her dresses…but not all. What I realized I was longing for was this cute trio: mommy, toddler and baby in matching, or at least homogeneously coloured outfits looking darn cute together. The reality is, we will be darn cute together regardless.We will not look like a matching trio; we will be a hodge podge of clothes that we do fit, but it will in no way impact the way anyone views us. No, in fact, the day will not be about us at all, it will be about my friend whose wedding it is. What we wear will in no way impact the way we enjoy the day.

Another challenging moment: talking with another mom and she mentioned going to the GAP and seeing they had a kids section, and then that the store was closing for good so there were crazy sales. Suddenly I wanted to go see those sales. Suddenly I wanted that store to not close, even though I could count on my hands how many times I’ve been there. I just thought, gosh darn, the store will be closed before my year of not spending is up. Crazy. This is deep rooted, folks.

On the eczema front, my face and neck feel almost entirely normal. Last week it felt like I was recovering from sunburn, there was an overall tingle and wherever the eczema had cropped up the skin felt thick and tight. Today it feels like normal skin, I can smile without feeling it stretch. Also, most of the peeling skin has come off so I don’t look quite so scary when I go out in public.

My hand, however, still has patches of itchiness and I am not doing well resisting the urge to scratch now and then. My palm looks particularly terrible. It was actually really doing well, but I went for a run and had to push the stroller, and the mere act of applying pressure on my palm reactivated the itch. In a moment of agitation, I gave into a scratch and kinda opened up some wounds. There’s also a place between my pinky and ring finger that just keeps weeping. I’m going to try to apply a green clay to that area to see if I can dry it out.

But overall, doing well. I managed to fit in a run and I am keeping up with the green smoothies and mostly veg, low grain and fruit diet. I am looking forward to being able to reintroduce more fruits soon as it is coming up on amazing fruit season here in Cali.