Shades of Depression?

It’s honestly ridiculous what runs through my head as soon as my husband drives away with the kids to drop them off at Nana’s for the day. I instantly become slammed with so many thoughts of what to do, that I shut down. Complete system failure.

Here’s a sampling of today’s thoughts: Okay, they’re gone, yay, time to work…but breakfast first…ack, better get that load of laundry done-oh god the house is a frickin’ mess but NO, this is my work day I need to work on the business, but what will Nat think when he gets home and it’s still a mess…forget him, I feel stressed by this mess…oh shit, okay I’ll tidy while I listen to a few songs I want to learn on ukulele that’ll be doubly productive oh and man does that garbage stink I’ll just take that out and on the way organize the shoes…man why is everyone’s clothes on the floor? I’ll just put those in the hamper that is RIGHT BESIDE this floor pile standing empty GRRRRRRRRRR oh that was quick no sweat off my back looks good already oh man, now that the toys are cleared I can see all the crumbs they left I’ll just get out the vaccuum , oops I haven’t had breakfast better get some toast going and oh yeah I need to send out that contract to my new client and….

So yeah, I sometimes just shut down. It’s hard to deal with the onslaught, the “mental load” as it’s been termed.

What did I do to reboot? Last week I crawled back into bed and slept for another hour or two (probably the best thing I could have done). Today: Coffee and some ukulele playing.

So, no, I didn’t quite coffee this week. I went as far as looking in Whole Foods for this mushroom coffee I hear tell of…super good for you, tastes like coffee but with none of the bad side effects like jitteriness. I have serious doubts, but was willing to try…only WF did not have it, and so there the attempt ended. Maybe I’ll try again next week. I don’t seem to be very motivated.

One day for myself is not enough. It’s kind of a tease…a very helpful day that I am very grateful for but that I need more of. It’s hard to switch from work/inspiration mode back to mom and I am seriously dragging these days, lacking energy and enthusiasm. Some days I’m downright crabby and quick to snap. I feel like a toddler myself sometimes. When I’m in this state of feeling cross and defeated, I don’t have much will power. I think I took my cell to bed with me twice this week. I just did not want to use my will power. I ended up watching this documentary on Netflix called “When the Bough Breaks” about post partum depression. I never had post partum depression, but I still could entirely relate; I think all mom’s experience shades of it from time to time: the feeling that you can’t go on, that you want to curl up into a ball and not leave your bed. I’ve had many a day when I woke up, got out of bed and looked at the trash heap that is my house after one day of not tidying, and I wanted to just run screaming from the room, that or just lie prone on the floor. I’ve had thoughts like, ‘I have to feed these kids…every day…multiple times a day….how am I going to do this? I don’t want to do this. I want to quit.’ But then, of course, I don’t quit, I power through. It’s not the case for true post partum. I was in tears watching this flick at 2am. Yeah, 2 am. Not good.

So, yeah, not killing it at this challenge so far. I just get so worn out that I say ‘Fikit, I am not going to try right now’. And it’s a great relief….temporarily.

BUT IT IS SUCH A WASTE OF TIME!

Sleep would be a better use of my time. I must renew my efforts to resist the temptation to use media while in my bed at night. GAH!

My thoughts are not coherent enough to continue writing. I’ll check in again soon.

S

 

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2 thoughts on “Shades of Depression?

  1. Hang in there and know that you are not alone. I am a hot mess most days. But if you keep going you will make it to your destination eventually. And clean houses are overrated.

    Like

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