It’s week 45 out of…I can’t do the math right now…okay, I Googled it :52 weeks…
and I just want to quit.
By now, I know this is probably as good as it is going to get. I am not going to be tightening my belt much more. I will still spend on things, mostly just the necessities, sometimes small splurges for my joy and/or mental health. I realize that I like to spend on treats such as date nights, or taking a friend to lunch, getting the occasional fancy coffee, entrance fees to museums and activities for the girls. I realize that these are not necessities but I am not content living the austere, spending free life. I don’t believe in saving for future joy. Joy now please ( not to say that only things that cost money provide joy, but it certainly can facilitate it at times). I do believe in saving for some security now and in the future (because a safety net/security contributes to my happiness) and to also enjoy some of it right now. Scrimping and saving is not my MO.
I am very proud of the progress I’ve made in the area of compulsive or emotional spending. I now am able to project myself into the future (when the let-down and remorse happens ) before I spend so that I can re-enter the current moment faced with the temptation and pass on it. That is HUGE.
I feel like I’ve reached a certain equilibrium. I don’t know that many new insights will be forth coming. And most of all, it is SO HARD to get the time to write. I sound whiney, but it’s true. By the time I have the kids in bed…I am no longer inspired to write. And trying to compose a thoughtful blog entry whilst my toddler talks incessantly beside me is…well…insanely frustrating. But I’ve made it this far, so…
I am also feeling a disenchantment with social media at the moment. There is so much out there. I feel like I am just adding to the chatter. And if what I put out there isn’t excellent…or even original, maybe it is best left to the medium of a journal. What is the necessity of making this public except perhaps as an ego boost? I think I talked about this in depth a few blogs back.
Mostly, what’s gotten me into this state is this crazy political climate…I feel like I am exposing myself. Part of me wants to scream, YES! This is my right and I shouldn’t be afraid to express my opinions. “What are you worried about?”, you ask, “this blog is about not shopping”. Yes, true, this is mostly innocuous stuff. But at times I have veered off this blogs main point to rant on politics. It felt good. It still does. I have a hard time staying quiet. But it also puts my views out into the net, accessible to all, even those who might…say at the border… judge me and as jury of my fate, decide that I am not welcome. This is a real fear. As a non-citizen but resident, I’ve recently begun to fear leaving to visit my Canadian family, in case I am refused re-entry. I know, some of you think there should be no reason why any of this chaos should affect me, a Canadian, not a minority etc., etc. But folks, all my worst, most out-there, outlandish fears have become reality in the last few months, thoughts I had that others comforted me by saying could not happen…have happened. So, no, I’m not ruling out being barred from my own husband and girls should I choose to leave for a visit to Canada.
I am fluctuating so much between wanting to continue to be public and wanting to shut off all connection and hide in a hut in the woods.
The other day, feeling overwhelmingly angry, I wrote a rant…and didn’t publish it. No, I wrote it in a Google Doc, since I didn’t have any writing program. Then…as I finished I started thinking and feeling fearful because, of course, Google Docs is cloud based. All of it is out there folks, accessible with a log in. I am so close to picking up a pen once again, and working through the necessary joint pains and calluses, to return to the analogue form of writing.
All that to say, I want to quit…not this challenge…but blogging and social media. I’m not quite there yet, but I feel it building. This is, of course, a very inconvenient impulse as I am right now trying to start a photography business that will rely heavily on getting my name out there via precisely these outlets.
So, if it does come to a point where I want to quit it all, I will have had to have found a lot of courage and will power to do so…because it is an addiction and a creative outlet, my connection to family and friends, to news, to it all.
I’ll let you know if and when it comes to quitting time.
Until then, thank you for reading this blog.