One always hopes, when one takes on a challenge such as this, that one will be somehow miraculously changed by it.
39 weeks in, with…um, quick math…13 more weeks to go, and I can honestly say that I do not see huge changes in my desire for “things”. Perhaps it is because it is a long game that I am playing, this isn’t some 30 day challenge, this is a year with small changes, set-backs and minor improvements.
I didn’t start out as some spending junky with a credit card debt I was trying to get out from under. No, I have always been what one might consider a moderate spender (though, to my husband, who considers any purchase unnecessary, he might have begged to differ…though he never has complained nor commented out loud).
What, then was I hoping to achieve? Well, really, I was hoping to dig deep. To find the source of my Needs and Wants. What motivates me to want to spend? Why do I feel remorse or worse, apathy towards the items I do acquire?
So yes, if I look at that, I can see clear positive results. I rarely purchase something I regret these days. Most items have been carefully considered, evaluated for the “love” factor, and approved if they actually do make it into our home.
What troubles me, though, is that through all of this, I still continue to have the urge to buy things. I still Want things though I am pretty quick to narrow down whether I need it.
Oddly, euphoria and joy are still connected to the immediate desire to get something new. This is something I observed many months back, and the other day, was surprised to discover that the case is no different now.
I think I was feeling content over observing my girls at play. I was just feeling pure joy at their presence and the joy of feeling Present with them. And then, I caught myself thinking that my eldest really did need a few long sleeve shirts, and wouldn’t it be nice if my littlest had a few leggings that were new and not hand-me-downs. What cute patterns might be on sale? I suddenly felt excited that I might get to buy something for them.
And then I caught these thoughts and analysed them and really just couldn’t believe that they had entered my head. It went like this… “wait…really? REALLY Sharolyn?! You are so happy with your girls you want to BUY them clothes? For whom is this for? Look at them. Look at them rolling on the floor giggling. Did you even notice what they are wearing? Does it have any connection to the happiness you are feeling right now? Do they look like they want clothes? You know they are probably, in the next 30 minutes or so, going to find some excuse to completely take off all the clothes they are currently wearing despite how cold it is in this house. And you want to buy them clothes? For what? Why? Why. Just breath woman. Find reason again.”
So, I was able to ride that one out.
The good news is, that with two in tow, one rarely if ever can actually follow through with an urge like that. Yes, I could have gone on-line, but good on me, it never occurred. Instead, I just breathed through it and let it go. For now.
I suppose that is all we can ever do.
I am disappointed that I still have these urges, but I guess, ultimately it is what you do with them that counts. In this case, what I didn’t do.