I so wish that I could say I was a good girl this week. But it would seem, in the final hour, I utterly failed. Or did I?

You can decide.

Last week I said Christmas related shopping was going to happen. It has, it did. I got stuffed doggies for the girls and am busy making extras to fit on them (mom, you would be so proud, I actually got out the sewing machine!). But the hubs. Gack. He’s a nightmare. I say he must be one of the most healthy guys on the planet because he truly doesn’t seem to want anything. He is not trying to fill any voids. Good for him, but bad for me because he is no help. Also, the joy of giving to him is muted because he will often ask me to return the thing I get him. Wha?!? you say. And actually, aside from the disappointment I always feel, I ultimately am really grateful that he respects me enough to tell the truth.

That said…what the F can I get him? Because I can’t not get him something. He always gets me a nice gift, usually proving that he’s been listening all along. In the face of that kind of thoughtfulness, I can’t come up completely empty handed.

The news is that I did figure out what to get him. Now…I am pretty sure he does not read this blog, so I will tell you: a replacement puffy jacket liner for his Marmot windbreaker. Not exciting, I know, but might actually be for him since he loved that thing and only recently left/lost it somewhere.

Now, I was debating on whether or not to get it because those things can be pretty pricey, but, today, I made the call to get it, because, of all things, I was irritated/frustrated.

Yeah. Irritated. I was having a huffy-mommy moment where the whole week of endless child care builds up, and the weekend comes and you hope to have some relief…but then it doesn’t come because your hubs has projects he has to do…so Saturday, and then Sunday become days just like the rest of the week…and you have so much you were hoping to accomplish sans kids. Yeah, that kind of frustrated. And I thought, gosh darn, I am a grown woman. I have to ask to get time away, I have to negotiate everything whether it is with my toddler or my husband…I just want to make a goddamn decision without consulting anyone. And so I did. I bought that damn coat. And then I bought a lens for my camera.

Did you catch that?

I bought a lens for my camera.

Yes folks. I have been looking at this lens for a week. I have considered it from all angles. I have arrived at the decision that this is the one necessary item, of any piece of photographic equipment I might consider, this is the one I most need. I could go into the details of how it will expand my horizons in the depth of field department as well as low light photography, but I shan’t bore you.

This is for me. This is a step to further what is my attempt to get a small photography business off the ground. Yes, folks, I want to use my degree. I want to earn money doing what I enjoy, what I am good at.

But first, I need to do as many shoots as possible for as many people as I can, in as many different scenarios as possible to help me narrow down what it is I will specialize in. For that, the lens is key, because the photo is what matters. Once I have the good shots under my belt then I can build the website and promote myself. I have a plan. I do. And, as it turns out, from the few shoots I’ve done so far, the lens is half paid for already.

I can give up my dream of an all wooden uke, of a new pair of shades, of anything. I don’t need anything…except for this lens because it will set me on a course back to earning a living. Oh gosh, to earn something again…while also doing what I enjoy…

But…I don’t have to justify myself. I know I made the right decision.

What do you think? Am I fooling myself?


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