So, as it turns out, the fear/anxiety/shock combo inspires a sort of fatalism in me that overrides any sense of self control/self preservation.
I suspect this might be something I am not alone in.
This week sent shock waves through the population. I am not going to go into it because that might just open a flood gate( If you are reading this post years into the future, I’ll give you a hint: US Election 2016).
This post is not about politics, it’s about discovering my main shopping trigger which is extreme negative emotion. The fatalism that comes with that is what leads me to want to abandon any self regulation I might be constraining myself with. Luckily I have no alcoholic tendencies, no interest in drugs, little to no time for television and no interest in video games or god forbid, extreme exercise.
So what was left for me, aside from hiding from the world, was shopping. By god, it felt like the end of the world was neigh so what the F, who gives a orange shit turd, let’s shop. Unlike my usual approach these days, which is to try and not even open my computer when the urge hits, I immediately started pulling up screens on items I wanted, reading the reviews and toying with putting them in my cart to see what it would total. Would the shipping be free?
Only, I also discovered something else about myself. That I care more about this effort to curb my spending through self reflection. I could see what this compulsion was, and instead of hitting “buy” I just took a deep breath and closed my computer. I had screens open on new ukuleles, used ukuleles, music, clothes. I shut it down. Yes, I opened it again, but then again, I chose to shut it down.
What I did buy was groceries. I breathed through my anger and powered past the extras and just bought groceries and even avoided the junk “comfort” food.
Okay, I did get two things online: dried elderberries ( I plan on making my own elderberry syrup for cold/flu season this year) and…a book of ukulele music (which I agonized over long before this week…but which became a necessity after this week, because music can transform bad moods into good! I’ve been playing my uke a lot this week).
What I wasn’t able to curb, was my compulsive reading of news on my smartphone. That’s a problem. I am seriously thinking about a media ban in my future. But for now, since the media is what I use to: keep this busy mama informed, and most importantly, keep this mama writing about and sharing her no spending challenge, I will be keeping the media for the immediate future.
And that’s it folks…oh yeah. I bought vinyl. You can read about that here and tell me if it was a necessity or not.