I think this is going to have to be a short check in. I’m exhausted (Heh. When am I not?)

Today was my youngest’s 1st birthday. Where did the year go?

I just barely got to the end of this week. I took on a lot more than I needed to, culminating in a birthday party…more for me than my little one since 1st birthdays, I think, mean more to the mom who just survived the year and has the labour and delivery relatively fresh in their mind. I think the birthday gathering was a success, but I pulled if off with less finesse and verve than I had hoped I would.

The beginning of the week actually seems like eons ago. I was rearin’ to go, set up all sorts of meetings with mama’s and their kids, planned outings, etc. I love that kind of stuff. I love staying busy. But I forgot to schedule one day with nothing to do but stay home. …sort of a must. I just really wanted to get back into things having only just returned from our trip. I missed my mama pals. Also, if I must admit it, I often need things to do in order to get through the day. I can’t be productive creatively or personally, but I can be “productive” in getting us out and about.

By Saturday (yesterday) I was feeling the burn-out heading my way. Luckily, the hubs took the kids to go swimming and I had about 5 hours to myself to prep for Little M’s birthday. I had to do what I consider domestic triage, which is: decide what most needs doing and to heck with the other stuff. I chose cleaning the bathroom, getting decorations and food purchased and making the birthday cake.

So, yes, I spent money. I spent money on balloons and napkins, wrapping paper, party hats. Maybe I bought more decorations than I normally go for, but I was longing for cheer. I even darted into a store and picked up a new dress for myself and my oldest ( I so rarely get to buy her clothes). I briefly felt guilt, but then I just let it go. I wanted a damn dress.

And I realized this evening, as I started to examine the arc of this weeks and its theme of optimism down to pessimism and exhaustion…that it’s not about what I’ve been doing and that it’s too much, it’s actually about the external stuff, the stuff going on in the world right now. I feel down in the dumps. I feel like the world is crazy. The political climate here in the US ( and elsewhere) is…insane. I feel like we are on the cusp of something huge and catastrophic. I know that there is a lot at stake…and I am scared. I am really, really scared.

All of these thoughts in the back of my mind have been preoccupying me so fully that I have not felt centered, have not felt love and appreciation…all the things that help keep me going. I have surrendered to fear. I am not sure how to pull myself out of it.

I could launch into a rant here…but quite honestly, I don’t want to get into a shouting match with someone with opposing views ( normally I would be able to debate calmly, but these days I just want to shout). Suffice it to say, that I don’t feel the optimism that Obama showed in his convention speech. I feel the opposite. I am afraid that there are far more ignorant, hate filled or mislead people than we think…and that if we are not really serious about concentrating our efforts on making sure one megalomaniac doesn’t get into power, we are all going to go up shits creek. And by the time we all realize it, it will be too late.

To top it off, I am but a resident here in the US. My voice cannot be heard. I am a sitting duck. I, myself, am a foreigner here.

So, yeah. I am feeling in the dumps right about now. I really wanted to just feel joy in celebrating my babe’s first year of life. I feel far more fear now, as a mom and mama bear, than I think I ever would have if I were sans kids. The stakes are just so frickin’ high.

So, perhaps all this inner turmoil is why I spent on a dress for myself, necessity or not, because I felt like, what the heck, if this is the end times…why the frick not buy a dress I really like…and at full price to boot.

Why the frick not.

 

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