I’m not gonna lie. I am having a real crisis of faith. This blog, today, will be my confessional. I’m sorry in advance, this is going to be messy.
I am completely aware that my suffering is, on a larger scale, peanuts.
And yet, for the past four days of the worst flair up of eczema I have yet had, I have been a walking zombie. A terrible mother prone to crankiness with no energy to really engage (also staring at my smartphone doing eczema research or plain just zoning out to distract from the pain – which I HATE and promised to never do in front of the kids). A terrible wife, barely looking at my husband and when I do its to give him a look of ‘help me god’, and then back into my world of misery.
My husband is a strong man. He is not letting me take him down with me. He is upbeat, engaged with the kids and active. I love him so much. I don’t know if I could do the same in the reverse.
For the first time, in a long time, I have a few hours alone without the kids. My amazing mom-and-dad-in-law and the hubs whisked them off to an event. I was pushing to go too, as I always do, when I realized that I was almost in tears. I felt like, if I don’t let everyone go without me, I am going to dissolve right here, either into tears or a scratching raging, kicking fury. I am not myself.
I am afraid that I am wrong in my approach to healing myself (I’m refusing the conventional route). I am afraid that I will drive my husband away. I am afraid that my kids will be affected by my negative, woe-is-me attitude and lack of energy. I’m afraid that this eczema will persist and I will not be able to hold my babies with ease like I want to, change their diapers without wincing, bath them, or nuzzle them and be able to feel their soft cheeks against mine sans thick, rough peeling skin. I want to wear my wedding ring again.
I am mad that I am not the type of person who can just power through and see only the bright side of things. I am mad that I am not stronger. I am mad that I am so self absorbed I have lost complete self control and the house is a total chaotic mess. I am mad that I am not able to give myself a break and be kind. I am my worst critic. I live with guilt everyday, all self created.
Can you see what a mess I am?
I even feel like I am failing at this blog. It started off being about trying to not spend. Then it became about that but mostly my eczema. Now, in the process of trying to heal, I’ve spent money…on more organics, tons of greens, oils, medicine, creams, reference books. In looking at what I need to change, it seems I also need to spend on things like food processors, a Vitamix, a reverse osmosis water filter, a dehydrator…the list is endless.
I am SO CONFUSED.
What are my priorities? What are necessities?
I feel completely alone because I know none of this is anything that my hubby will get on-board with.
How can a stay-at-home mom without her own income justify any of it? I know, some of you are now yelling at the screen “You earned it! You don’t need to justify it! Being a mom is a full time job!”
I get that. But then there’s the reality. It’s theoretical mostly. I still do not have my own income.
Can you tell I’m mad?! I am. And I don’t know why. I want to scream and yell and cry.
I think I might just do that…
Please don’t worry about me. I am going to be fine.
Thank you to all my dear friends who have sent me thoughts and suggestions. I read them all. Sorry I am too self absorbed at the moment to immediately respond.