Day 39,40 & 41: Some Agony, Desperation and Despair

I missed writing for several days. Not by design, but simply because I couldn’t bend my fingers. I was also to distracted by my own misery.

I’ve had a “relapse” so to speak. It started two nights ago when my hands, which had seemed well on their way to healing up started to itch. Like, body thrashing, itchiness. I had to sleep on my hands to not scratch.  I think I was clutching my hands together, fingers intertwined in sheer agitation and a desperate bid to not scratch (it looked like I was praying to the gods of itch relief), but even the pressure of fingers on fingers made me lose control and I squeezed and rubbed just for that momentary pleasure of itch relief.The tell tale swelling in my fingers began. Lymph began leaking from tiny pores all over my fingers. My ring finger on my other hand followed suit.

Later in the day, forehead and ears got that telltale tingling. Followed by my eye lids, then chin, then face. It was all I could do to not touch or rub or scratch. Those areas are still invisible effected areas because I haven’t scratched, but still  sites of suffering that only I am aware of. My eyelids are a bit red and puffy.

By the end of the day Wednesday my right hand fingers were so swollen I couldn’t even contemplate changing diapers, doing dishes and could barely pick up my kids. In fact I did, prompting my taught skin to tear and requiring a band aid that became somewhat of a tourniquet as my fingers kept swelling. There was so much lymph when I separated my fingers slightly there was a sheer web between them.

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I am so grateful to my aunt for hanging out with me for some much needed distraction…and she did the dishes. She’s a saint.

I could not wait to get the kids down for bed so that I could finally attend to myself. Luckily they cooperated and I rushed to fill a bowl of water and dump in some baking soda. I did a soak for my hands for 10 minutes which seems to help the itch. Then I put a thick layer of green clay all over both hands and sat and watched a show (I’m currently quite taken by Anthony Bourdains’ Parts Unknown), waiting for the clay to dry and nodding off. Over an hour later, the clay was still not dry…and this stuff usually dries quickly, because there was so much lymph to absorb. Nonetheless, when I finally rinsed off and headed to bed, it felt like some swelling went down.

Green clay helps calm itching and absorb lymph but is very messy and so can only be done sans kids. Some days its a long wait to be able to do this.

My baby and toddler both are sick. I desperately wanted to fall into a deep sleep, that night, of temporary oblivion, but it was not meant to be. When a baby is hacking and coughing, it is one of the most stressful things. Luckily my amazing hubby got up in the middle of the night when my nursing could no longer soothe her, and walked and rocked her for hours before she finally slept again.

Yesterday I am just going to focus on keeping it together. I need distraction, but the kids were sick, so that distraction needed to be somewhere where we wouldn’t be passing illness along to others. Usually the library is good for that, we stick to ourselves, handle only the books we want to borrow and we’re golden.

Today, agitated, in pain and itchy I really felt like I was going to lose it. I called my mom close to tears and she helped “talk me down from the ledge” so to speak. I was prepared to plunk down money on a naturopath…but she reminded me that I am doing all the right things, that there is usually a healing crisis as we work towards health.

I’m not going to lie. I’m scared. My confidence is shaken. I know that I am to expect some set-backs, I’ve read about this and been told about this. But it’s a hard reality to swallow. It definitely brings up feelings of ‘what am I doing wrong?’ I keep wracking my brain to try and figure out what else I might need to be doing. But all I really have energy for is to keep doing what I am already doing and hope that it is enough.

I spent money on cotton gloves to help protect my open sores. Amazing how hard to find they are AND how gosh darn expensive they are! I got two pairs and I am through them already…need to wash them pronto. Also got latex gloves to put on top for when I do diaper changes. I look like a crazy Michael Jackson. 20160520_130141.jpgCrazy because I have that desperation in my eyes and I am definitely not doing much self care like brushing my hair. I haven’t been out running because I can’t push the stroller…dishes and cleaning of any kind are being abandoned.

The hubs is amazingly empathetic and I am grateful for that.

I really need to move past this stage, I am having a hard time keeping it together and with the kids its particularly challenging. Grateful that the library had activities today and that we made it out to the park ( we went for a picnic and played and when we got back to the car several hours later, I realized I’d left the car door wide open! So distracted!). Grateful to my sister-in-law for providing evening distraction for the kids and I as well.

And now, I’m going to cover my hands with green clay again and hope my baby doesn’t wake up for a nursing while I’m in the middle of it!




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